How do I heal?
What is healing? I want it so bad. My heart craved it but I didn’t know how. I had a list of problems I wanted to solve. So I did all the right things to “fix” my inner problems. I did a transcendental meditation program to get answers from the universe. I got a therapist who I thought would give me the answers if I paid him enough. I asked my closest friends thinking they would have the healing sound advice I needed. When I sat for my meditation I could feel my insides twisting and turning searching for the answers to my questions. God I was frustrated. How long do I have to keep trying before I finally just heal?! How do I get the answers? What do I do to fix it? When will the anxiety just go away?!
And then I let go, surrendered, and dropped in.
Oh... I get it.
The meditation, the therapist, the friend, led me straight to the answer. The answer is that there is no answer. I reflected back on my struggle to figure out how to heal and laughed.
I watched myself go through this cycle until I finally got it. After my meditation I had to put this realization down on paper. Here's what I came up with....
The searching will never end. Healing is sitting with pain, frustration, or the unknown until it softens, turns into compassion, and doesn’t hurt any more. Healing happens when you don’t have to use food, drugs, alcohol, sex, tv, or social media to dull what is hurting. Healing doesn’t happen when a problem is fixed - it is happening as the hurt softens into compassion.
How do I heal? Oh, I'm doing it.