How Did I Get Here?

As I stood on the scale, staring at the numbers that seemed to have crept up over time, I painfully wondered how I got here.

It hadn't always been like this. I used to be diligent about my health. I was the person who would hit the gym regularly, eat a balanced diet, and prioritize self-care. I was fit, energetic, and full of life. But somewhere along the way, things changed.

How did I go from being the picture of health to someone who was struggling with their weight and overall ... happiness?

It started gradually. With a busy work schedule and personal stressors, I found myself reaching for comfort food as a way to cope. I would tell myself that I deserved a treat and that I would just exercise really hard the next day. It was the perfect set up for restrict binge cycles.

I didn't notice the changes at first. The weight gain was slow and subtle, and my energy levels declined gradually. My clothes became tighter, and I started feeling self-conscious about my appearance.

I was drinking a lot of coffee as an attempt to try to elevate my mood and cover up my deep fears and sadness.

Then one day, as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I barely recognized the person staring back at me. I looked heavy and tired, and my skin lacked the glow it used to have.

I became determined to turn things around. But this led me down a path of extreme restriction to losing control and overeating. I was stuck in a cycle of bingeing and restricting, feeling guilty and ashamed after every slip-up. I would punish myself with even more rigorous exercise and stricter diets to make up for my perceived failures. It was a toxic cycle that left me feeling exhausted, emotionally drained, and questioning how I got to this dark place.

"How did I get here? I don't even know who I am anymore."

I was grasping for anything to make me happy. I threw myself into work goals and achievement, extreme exercise, or validation from friends. But nothing filled the pit in my stomach. Not even food.

I felt trapped in a body and relationship to food that didn't feel like me. Could this be it?

I couldn't go on living in these intense cycles of restrict - binge repeat. The emotional rollercoaster was wearing me out. I finally chose to surrender.

I dedicated nearly all of my time and energy to understand myself and invested in mentors to help me uncover the blind spots I couldn't see. I finally surrendered to restriction and gently turned my attention inward. I started to ask, "Gina, how are you doing? What do you need?"

My anger and frustration softened. My body started to speak to me.

Once I learned how to honor and listen to my body's needs, I started to accept and love on all aspects of myself. This turned into self trust... and self trust turned into self love. My body was no longer my enemy. It became my partner. My best friend. My temple that I cherish and adore.

From this place, the extreme rollercoasters started to smooth out and evolve into a gentle balanced way of eating. My body was speaking and I was listening. I realized that my body was begging to be honored and cherished - not punished. I re-discovered who I am in a way I never had before.

The more I tuned into my body, the more easily it responded. The more I loved my body, the more full I felt - from the inside - out. The grasping and needing of anything outside of me... softened.

I started to feel alive again.

Looking back, I realized that my extreme dieting and over-exercising were not signs of health, but rather symptoms of an unhealthy relationship to myself. I had lost sight of what it truly meant to be healthy – to nourish my body, mind, and soul.

I learned that health was not about perfection, but about getting to know what my body is needing.

Now, as I stand in front of the mirror, I see a different reflection. I see someone who has learned from their past mistakes, someone who values their health and more importantly the relationship to their body and food. I see someone who has come a long way, and though the journey was challenging, it was a lesson well-learned.

I no longer wonder, "How did I get here?" Instead, I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned, and I'm committed to deepening the relationship with myself every single day.

The journey isn't easy... but it is so worth it.

Are you on your journey to deeper self trust and confidence with your food and your body?

Check out the upcoming Mastering Mindfulness Immersion where I share exactly what I did to finally get out of these frustrating cycles and come back to self trust with my food and body.

~ Gina